22 September 2014

Love me tinder, Love me true

So it seems to me that recently tinder has brushed itself down & jumped back on to its battered bandwagon, ready to take another strike at the sad & lonely lives of the weeping singletons (...yes, I regrettably include myself within that unfortunate but on point reference).

Baffled by this recent revival, I've dug around & unearthed an article I wrote about tinder for the Cardiff student magazine sometime last year as I thought it was very apt to relive my most gracious & gushing words for this delightful little dating troll. 
I'd like to point out that this is absolutely in no way an attempt to dissuade my shameful temptations to dust off my old account. 
Cross my heart & hope to die.

So how does one go about summarising what tinder's all about? Oh go on then, I'll give it a crack for y'all...

Tinder. Innocently swinging open the doors to innuendos with the expectation that we’ll slip straight through. Is it nothing but a melting hot pot of cringe or the shiny new yellow pages for a breezy hookup & speedy ego-boost? Tinder is spreadin’ like wildfire & igniting the flames of some dusty, neglected love lives. But is real-time dating so overrated that we need to resort to digitally-stimulated sneaky love affairs?

You swipe to the left, swipe to the right then cha-cha real smooth, placing your fate in the hands of the tinder Gods.

Upon observing the sniggers of my housemates, I jumped on the bandwagon & signed up… “as a joke” might I add.
Mastering sarcasm over seduction, the results were somewhat surprising. Either the guys bought into my alluring claptrap or their need for tangled sheets surpassed their common sense. I’ll plump for the latter.
A nugget of advice however is beware of the guys in group photos. There’s nothing worse than getting all flirty with a baywatch God only to discover you’re actually talkin’ to Mr. Twinky to his right. Drats.

Whilst I’m not miserably manless or alone on a friday night, wailing to Jamie O’Neal with a stonkin’ glass of red in my hand à la Bridget, I still think that fishing in the real world creates far more hilarious tales.
Yeah alright, maybe I need to rethink the logistics of the first sentence of that but you don't need to point it out, jeez. Don't knock a gal when she's already nursing a bruised reality...
Here’s my list of the very best in baggin’ someone hot to trot:
1.) Everyone loves some cheeky library flirtation. Nothing says “Take me, I’m yours” like skittish glances over a beefy textbook or whispering sweet literary nothings over the noisy boom of boredom.
2.) Grab your heels & head to an outside bar. (Risky business in Cardiff, I know). Glugging a bud for dutch courage, seductively extend your baby smooth leg & wait for the men to come falling at your feet. They’re either enthralled with your sophistication or the idiots have tripped over your tree trunk leg. Either way, making contact with the other species means you’ve succeeded.
3.) Get yourself to a Zumba class. Shimmy away that triple helping of singletons cheesecake by gyrating your bewitching hips & nonchalantly flicking the sweat from your face to a bit of Lady Gaga’s "Poker face". Your hunky beast of a teacher won’t know what’s hit him when he beholds you…unless it was one of your cherry cheesecake rolls that whacked him in the first place. #Winning.

It seems that for now, tinder is unable to unearth a tall, tempestuous Heathcliff to captivate my inner Cathy. Though a personal highlight was the invitation of being whisked away for a burrito & ice cream. An irresistible offer I must say. As someone with a magnificent penchant for ice cream, you’d think a proposal like that would be the key to my heart.
Can you hear the church bells ringing? Me neither.
I like my ice cream with a copious slathering of chocolate. Less so with a gluttonous smearing of smut. A truly tempting offer but one I refuse with a (not so) heavy heart.
Alas, only two men can keep a girl satisfied & crawling back for more. Oh hello Ben & Jerry. I’ll take you two any day.

Come to mama m'darlings...

Though I think it's quite clear boys & girls on my blossoming relationship with this veritable hunk, I'd like to take this moment to publicly confess that Tinder & I are truly a remarkable match made in heaven. Are you feeling my vibe?

At the end of the day we shop in Sainsburys for food to nourish our souls so why not enter the supermarket of love & try your hand at shopping for a booty call?! Makes perfect sense.  

 And don't you forget it you smouldering tease!

14 September 2014

Ain't Nothing But The Simple Things

1. Mulling over the possibility of jetting away in a couple of weeks with mama bear for a girly weekend in the beautiful land of Dubrovnik, Croatia. In fact, anywhere but here would be a fabuuuulous right about now! England you bore me!

2. Wearing my hair up with the fringe in a cheeky quiff and the ends roughly tonged into tousled curls. It totally makes me feel like a 50s bad-ass chick. 

3. Wasting time with my head stuck in the boho stalls that graced Winchester high street on Thursday. There was one gem of a stall in particular where I think I managed to try on every single ring they had on offer. They were all made of silver & either adorned with precious coloured stones or etched with elephant prints and swirls. I most definitely would of ended up buying half their stuff if I wasn't in a hurry to meet my brother for cwafee!

4. Cooler nights creeping in. Whilst I'm the first to shriek complaints of being cold, there's something quite delicious about worming your way into bed shivering & tucking the duvet up so it snuggles your chin. Bliss.

5. Getting back into regular writing. Even if the snippets of thoughts don't make their way into polished pieces immediately, just ensuring that I jot them down in my hundreds of muddled notebooks is helping to keep a little smile on my face.

6. Receiving texts and messages from old friends & new friends. There's no better way to whack a flasher on my 'nashers than a simple message - even if all it says is hello! I think it's the knowledge that you crossed that person's mind even just for a second that makes it all an extra comfort squeeze. It's like being given a virtual squishy hug of love. 

7. Having a girly film night with mum on Thursday after dinner! Dad was away in Washington on a business trip so we jumped at the chance of a free lounge and big T.V screen and snuggled on down with ice-cream sundaes (made courtesy of yours truly) and Mr. Efron in full shirtless glory. I had really wanted to see 'Bad neighbours' in the cinema but I'm kind of glad I saved the money now as it was quite frankly pants. Our DVD player obviously agreed as it shut itself off 3/4 the way through and refused to budge on its final decision. A 10 for the quality of featured abs but a measly 2 for the entertainment and dodgy humour fo' sure!

8. The lovely response I've received from my new hair change! I'm not a girl with the most stellar self confidence so compliments made here and there are very much treasured. Though, even if someone hated the new 'do, I'd like to think they wouldn't blurt out "It looks shit" right in my face....si?

9. Re-reading & loving Maya Angelou's poem "Phenomenal Woman". If you need some empowerment or a little magic to motivate in your life then I 100% urge you to read this beauty. 
Go on. 
Chop Chop.

10. Finally getting my bum into gear & submitting my piece of writing to the online Elle talent contest 2014 last night. I've known about it for too many weeks to mention & my stolen snippets of notes & ideas were beginning to totter up quite nicely in my notebooks but actually compiling them altogether was just. not. happening!
Still, I gots the goods done in the nick of time and I waved it farewell only a couple of hours before the deadline cut-off...better late than never like they always say, eh?!

So I have words for you guys. Stern words so listen up!
Basically....where the flippin' baloney were my flowers this week? Ehh??
I waited, patiently may I add yet nada bustled their way through my door. Nada. But I'm prepared to overlook this little conundrum of yours just this once & happily resume normal proceedings this coming week, comprende?


Tell me, what's floated your boat this week?

12 September 2014

Becoming An Autumnal Maltester

That's molten dark on the outer surface yet forever a blonde honeycomb airspace on the inside.
As you may have read in my previous '10 Simple things' posts, I've been gearing myself up to make quite a change recently & I'm ready to rumble & make the big reveal to y'all! Only if you promise not to snigger that is...after all, a girl's hair is her pride & joy, not an object of jest! 

So for a couple of years I've always wanted to see what it's like on the other side...the dark side. Tired of being lil miss goldie locks for yet another year, I decided to whip on ma big girl pants & I took myself off to the hairdressers ready to emerge swishing & swaying like Megan Fox. I fulfilled the first goal but sadly the second was far from the truth. The only thing I resembled was a washed up dirty badger battling against some arctic winds. I like to tell myself I nailed it regardless. Always do. 

Anyway enough mindless chitter chatter, I'm sure you're all dying (NB: pun intended there) to see the grande premiere, so without further adieu here's the new me...!

From this....

To this...

This totally puts me on par with the likes of Mila Kunis & Alexa Chung now, right? 
Pffft, yeah of course it does! How ludicrous of me to even contemplate asking...

When I first emerged from the prison seat I'm not going to lie, I was stunned. It was dark. VERY dark. About 50% darker than I had envisioned. I was originally planning on the whole mid-tone brown with ombre ends...think galaxy chocolate brown breaking out into its gooey caramel soft centre. Instead, I ended up being a galaxy minstrel - dark, one-dimensional & hard to crack. Yikes.

I sat on it for a day to ponder (...or maybe because they had no spaces till the day after) and then scooted my ass back to that chair to get it all fixed! I fluttered the 'ol lashes to butter her up & naturally she couldn't resist the salmon charm & had her dyes all ready to go in a cinderella flash. An extra sigh of despair also got me the results I was hankering for free of extra charge. #Winning.

Now I'm coveting that Caramel galaxy chocolate I was searching for & whilst I still jump every time I catch myself in the mirror, I'm really liking the change. It was just what I needed & fits perfectly for the transition into autumn! 

"Life is about taking risks & remembering that your best investment is in yourself"

New me, new life, new times.


07 September 2014

Hitting up those 10 Simple Things

Hola again comrades! How're y'all doing on this murky Monday morning?
It's back to the relentless daily grind of the working week so to whack a flasher upon that pinched face of yours, have a gander at my latest happy list of 10 simple things...!

1. Discovering the magnificent writings of Dawn O'Porter. Truthfully I've always found myself flicking on past her articles in the monthly Glamour mag but as I was snuggled in bed last night I found myself engrossed in her latest piece & I was beyond flawed. It was downright fabulous! As clichéd & horrendously cringe to admit, her eloquent words just simply spoke to me. This piece in particular is a mighty fine read if you have some spare time. Needless to say @hotpatooties is now a firm favourite twitter follow!

2. This. This picture unashamedly sums me up to a T. And yes I stand by the fact that this 100% makes me one irresistably alluring bitch. 

I am the sexy master of seduction. It's my way or the highway bud....(to get more ice-cream).

3. This week I decided I would be a hunky dude. A bad-ass hunky dude. And what do they do? They go to the hairdresser's & step over to the dark side. Despite all this I also then decided I wasn't completely satisfied with my new 'do & returned the following day with my head between my tail, sheepishly asking her to tweak it. I sneakily played upon the victim position & bam (!) before I knew it, she was putty in my hands & had the dye whipped up ready free of extra cost. Well it's no surprise really is it? Who could resist my charm after all? Stay tuned for the big hair reveal coming soon!

4. I picked up my two new pairs of glasses! My trusty ole' faves were tottering about on their tired last legs so it was time for some brand spankin' new additions to make an appearance! After all we didn't want the old frames to make a spectacle of themselves and break on me in some inconvenient moment did we? Gotta love a cheeky pun! 

New frames: new perspective on life. Quite literately. No really my prescription changed haha!

5. Rediscovering the addictive delights of Rummikub with my friend Polly & having some lovely lil natters whilst expoentially trying to thrash her ass & take home the gold. I succeeded. 

6. My brother James finally got the go-ahead for a (much-needed) salary raise at work. He deserves twice the amount really considering the level of skill he covets & the amount of blood, sweat & tears he invests into the company but as they say, slow & steady wins the race! He is my utter inspiration in all aspects of life - whenever I find my fins floundering I look to my brothers to pull me through & find my mischievous inner strength. I think the next step for Jimmy is securing the lead role in suits, eh? Ya already gots the demure attire after all!

7. This one has just nuzzled it's way into my head after writing the previous happy point. I'd totally forgotten about the series 'Suits'! Previously I never found (ahem...*made*) the time to get into it properly but I'm going to get back into it & start afresh from the beginning!

8. Contemplating the addition of a new small tattoo. I already have a small infinity symbol on my right inner ankle in reference to my grandparents' unyielding love but I want something personal & something for me. I'm mulling over a simple arrow symbol either on my opposite ankle or shooting upwards on the back of my ankle.

Oh decisions, decisions...!

9. Perusing & (almost) inappropriately lusting over Olivia Palermo's instagram shots. That woman is a fashion queen bee & struts her style in a total league of her own. 

Oh pretty please can I have her wardrobe? 
Her face wouldn't be half bad either.
Actually whilst we're at it, her legs would be a glorious bonus too...
As would her new husband. Crikey.

10. These socks. Enough said.

What's made your happy list this week folks?

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