22 September 2014

Love me tinder, Love me true

So it seems to me that recently tinder has brushed itself down & jumped back on to its battered bandwagon, ready to take another strike at the sad & lonely lives of the weeping singletons (...yes, I regrettably include myself within that unfortunate but on point reference).

Baffled by this recent revival, I've dug around & unearthed an article I wrote about tinder for the Cardiff student magazine sometime last year as I thought it was very apt to relive my most gracious & gushing words for this delightful little dating troll. 
I'd like to point out that this is absolutely in no way an attempt to dissuade my shameful temptations to dust off my old account. 
Cross my heart & hope to die.

So how does one go about summarising what tinder's all about? Oh go on then, I'll give it a crack for y'all...

Tinder. Innocently swinging open the doors to innuendos with the expectation that we’ll slip straight through. Is it nothing but a melting hot pot of cringe or the shiny new yellow pages for a breezy hookup & speedy ego-boost? Tinder is spreadin’ like wildfire & igniting the flames of some dusty, neglected love lives. But is real-time dating so overrated that we need to resort to digitally-stimulated sneaky love affairs?

You swipe to the left, swipe to the right then cha-cha real smooth, placing your fate in the hands of the tinder Gods.

Upon observing the sniggers of my housemates, I jumped on the bandwagon & signed up… “as a joke” might I add.
Mastering sarcasm over seduction, the results were somewhat surprising. Either the guys bought into my alluring claptrap or their need for tangled sheets surpassed their common sense. I’ll plump for the latter.
A nugget of advice however is beware of the guys in group photos. There’s nothing worse than getting all flirty with a baywatch God only to discover you’re actually talkin’ to Mr. Twinky to his right. Drats.

Whilst I’m not miserably manless or alone on a friday night, wailing to Jamie O’Neal with a stonkin’ glass of red in my hand à la Bridget, I still think that fishing in the real world creates far more hilarious tales.
Yeah alright, maybe I need to rethink the logistics of the first sentence of that but you don't need to point it out, jeez. Don't knock a gal when she's already nursing a bruised reality...
Here’s my list of the very best in baggin’ someone hot to trot:
1.) Everyone loves some cheeky library flirtation. Nothing says “Take me, I’m yours” like skittish glances over a beefy textbook or whispering sweet literary nothings over the noisy boom of boredom.
2.) Grab your heels & head to an outside bar. (Risky business in Cardiff, I know). Glugging a bud for dutch courage, seductively extend your baby smooth leg & wait for the men to come falling at your feet. They’re either enthralled with your sophistication or the idiots have tripped over your tree trunk leg. Either way, making contact with the other species means you’ve succeeded.
3.) Get yourself to a Zumba class. Shimmy away that triple helping of singletons cheesecake by gyrating your bewitching hips & nonchalantly flicking the sweat from your face to a bit of Lady Gaga’s "Poker face". Your hunky beast of a teacher won’t know what’s hit him when he beholds you…unless it was one of your cherry cheesecake rolls that whacked him in the first place. #Winning.

It seems that for now, tinder is unable to unearth a tall, tempestuous Heathcliff to captivate my inner Cathy. Though a personal highlight was the invitation of being whisked away for a burrito & ice cream. An irresistible offer I must say. As someone with a magnificent penchant for ice cream, you’d think a proposal like that would be the key to my heart.
Can you hear the church bells ringing? Me neither.
I like my ice cream with a copious slathering of chocolate. Less so with a gluttonous smearing of smut. A truly tempting offer but one I refuse with a (not so) heavy heart.
Alas, only two men can keep a girl satisfied & crawling back for more. Oh hello Ben & Jerry. I’ll take you two any day.

Come to mama m'darlings...

Though I think it's quite clear boys & girls on my blossoming relationship with this veritable hunk, I'd like to take this moment to publicly confess that Tinder & I are truly a remarkable match made in heaven. Are you feeling my vibe?

At the end of the day we shop in Sainsburys for food to nourish our souls so why not enter the supermarket of love & try your hand at shopping for a booty call?! Makes perfect sense.  

 And don't you forget it you smouldering tease!

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