24 December 2014

A Merry Little Christmas To You

It's near, it's here, can I hear y'all cheer....it's Chriiiiiistmas! Oh my cherry pie, how deliciously divine! 

Before I jump into bidding you all a delightfully wonderful Christmas time filled with all sorts of memorable shenanigans, I fervently hope you're donning your finest & most offensively festive knits to truly kickstart the silly season of naughty mischief. I'm currently sporting a snow speckled navy lil' number complete with a tinsel polar bear & absolutely loving life so hey, you know what needs to be done!

So tell me, whose wildly excited & jumping around squealing with ants in their pants whilst their nieces & nephews are calm, collected chicos chilling on the sofas in front of Elf?
Well where's the fun in that, eh? Father Christmas would be enamoured with your gallant efforts for spreading Christmas cheer so just remember that as it's Christmas shame is neither invited nor welcome. In fact, it simply doesn't exist, ok? Tally-O with your merry-making behaviour!
Now what was it we were nattering about again?

Oh I just totally love this time of year! There's just something so magical about it where the atmosphere is transformed into one stuffed with laughter & all the negative Nancy vibes that have been flitting about just dissolve & become non-existent & unimportant! 

The house is filled with cackles, smiles, chocolate, secrets & lots & lots of alcohol. Couldn't sound more darn-right fabulous if you ask me! Oh and the mandatory drinking games are a given, am I right? All that alcohol has to be put to good use somehow & what better way than by unashamedly making a fool of yourself? 

So now I've whipped out the dream-worthy & utterly whimsical mirage of Christmas, it's time to hit with you some home truths of the much anticipated big day...!

Now I know that Christmas is notorious for being surrounded by your nearest & dearest & wild images of couples nestled together like penguins on the sofa spooning each other chocolate gold from the heroes box are a common occurrence but there a few of us *ahem* who like to keep our options free, easy & frankly open. I'm not going to sugarcoat the reality in a dusting of sweet icing sugar so I'll hit you with the stone cold truth...the only thing us singletons are going to get up close & personal with is a family pack of Mr Kipling's jumbo mince pies. How saucy. 
I feel Christmas is a time for giving so I make it my aim here to present you all with the gift of knowledge. With that in mind I'll let you in on a a sneaky secret...whilst the world & his wife exchange costly tokens of besotted love in the form of aftershave & white gold bracelets, I'll be in the corner getting flirty & finger-lickin' dirty with an extra-large bag of festive mixed nuts...not quite the salty sack us ladies envisioned, eh?

This leads us on to the mandatory playing of cheesy Christmas music whilst you hustle & bustle your way in the kitchen getting all sweaty, hot & bothered over perfecting the stuffing of your turkey butt. This is where the main man can always, without-a-doubt soothe all of your Christmas woes. No, I'm not talking about Mr Claus nor the man who you happen to call your other half. Oh no, us ladies are referring to the ultimate male specimen who defines Christmas...Mr. Michael Bublé himself. 

Quite frankly, Bublé ruins it for all you men out there, despite the white gold bracelet you craftily picked out. Whilst we attempt to politely ignore your mantra of "kick back, relax & let your jingle bells rock", it's difficult to look past the sudden ferret butt fuzz that's found solace on your chin, the Darth Vader gas stream from your steam-train chugging of coronas & that's not even mentioning the ever-present farts that smell like grandma's "special" festive sprouts. See whilst you proudly scratch your Christmas tree balls like there's a family of beavers foraging for gold down there, Bublé glides his sparkling golden baubles into our hearts bathed in an aroma of sweet candy canes where his burps smell of butter brandy pudding & his succulently appestising Bratwurst sausage is most definitely one we'd like to get our quivering teeth into. 

Like kids in Santa's toyshop, our eyes are awash with mistletoe & Bublés' dangly balls are all we need stuffed in our stocking this year to well & truly make our Christmas fairies glow. 

So I hope that gave you a cheeky chuckle over your fifth glass of bubbly prosecco & at least your eighth mince pie of the hour (you're preparing for that expected cold snap, right?) but if not, I demand you to go get tanked on your Dad's vintage port, stick on some Andy Williams to karaoke to your furry friend & if you're on Santa's angel list, your dog may just wail right back at you & remind you that you're not so single after all! 

Oh Mr Williams, you terribly dirty drama queen...The most wonderful time of the year you say? I firmly advocate you all to go make it the most wonderful time of your 2014...even if it's purely due to the fact that you're drunk, inebriated on sausage meat & high on whizzard. 

Merry Christmas you lovely things! Wishing you a wonderful day full of fabulous & memorable tom-foolery  lots of sumptuous food to rival the likes of Mary Berry & good old-fashioned frantic wrapping paper tearing!

 [Photo Source Inspiration: Pinterest & personal]

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