13 July 2015

Romancing Reality: It's Not Like The Movies!

We all know what we want from the opposite sex - primarily being what is largely broadcasted in our heads when we hit the snooze button and enter the land of no boundaries. Sadly that bubble is well and truly burst when we awake from our slumbers and face what it actually is. Less toe-tingling, heart-thumping and ecstasy screaming and somewhat unexpectedly mediocre with a hefty dose of sarcasm you pay for. 

I've taken it upon myself to lay down the reality of modern day romance by using the number 1 rom-com movie of magic that has 100% in every way obliterated the golden light of lust for any man attempting to trump the book of love...

#1. Noah writes a letter to Allie every. single. flippin'. day. without. fail. (FYI: that's 365 pain-stakingly hand written declarations of profound adoration...lucky bitch.)

Modern Reality: Your boy finally gets round to gracing you with a response to your last text sent Monday at precisely 3.42am on Thursday. #Eager.

#2. Noah and Allie's first date consists of furtive stolen glances at the movies proceeded by a slow back-drop waltz in the street where they undoubtedly fall in love lying under the stars.

Modern Reality: Your "first date" was a cruise down to the local carwash that your boy won free in a work raffle whilst you both text other people the entire time the soapy suds outdoors experience more dirty action than you do. 

#3. Allie and Noah's first awaited kiss is nothing short of fiery, passionate, straight up against-the-wall steamy. Oh, the dream!

Modern Reality: Your last lip encounter involved a lot of vodka, a lot of spittle and the proceeding week spent religiously nursing your lips back to health with a trusty pot of vaseline. Always a let down when your aim for a touch of lust becomes a river of slobber running down your chin. All you wanted was a kiss; not a facial wash.

#4. An argument between Noah and Allie consists of a short sharp bickering for all of 10 seconds immediately followed by jumping back onto the bandwagon of love with kisses for days.

Modern Reality: Forgiveness appears to be a foreign adjective in your relationship. A whole lot of ugly-crying, stubborn silence, several tubs of Ben & Jerry's and the fight continues after 7 days straight...

#5. Romantic gestures come as naturally as farts for Noah. Of course every girl can count on their guy sweating it out by building their dream house by his bare hands and rowing them through a river scattered with snow-white swans...

Modern Reality: Out of the pure kindness of his heart, your guy tells you about the incoming forest regrowth of your eyebrows whilst you're watching the Sunday grand prix. How thoughtfully romantic. 

#6. Sex for Allie and Noah is as smooth, intimate, un-awkward and all good doses of nervous fumble as it comes. Precisely the way it pans out in your dreams every time. 

Modern Reality: Getting down n'dirty for you involves a whole lot of jammed zips, getting your foot inexplicably tangled in something resembling a bed sheet, a wholly unfortunate knee jam in his left testicle (total accident, honest!), a squeaky headboard and a mad chicken dash for something resembling a condom. And we moan that true romance is dead these days...

#7. Noah always says the most adorable things to Allie like it's as natural as needing to pee. Ahem, the classic example being, "If you're a bird, I'm a bird." #swoon.

Modern Reality: On a rare dinner date to none other than Chimichangas, your boy snorts on his hot n'spicy tex mex sauce over his heart-melting declaration, "If you're a burrito, I'm a burrito." Witty. #Foodporn and wordplay - what more could a girl wish for?

Alas not all romances follow suit and some really are hilariously special in their quirky, awkward ways! In fact I would go as far as saying that whilst Noah and Allie represent the ultimate power couple of pure love, it's as predictable as your Nan's weekly Sunday roast. It's a touch bland, lacking in flavour and just a bit boring. Give me someone imperfect, a dose of irony, a whole load of sarcasm and belly-laughs and I'll be like star-struck putty in your hands! 

[Photo Source Inspiration: Pinterest]

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