25 December 2015

Merry Christmas You Filthy Elves!

Well, well, well another year has passed and the day for all things jingly jangly, notoriously naughty and down-right rowdy has officially arrived! As a lady whose always ready to encourage others to indulge in some playful mischief this is my sly little nudge in hoping that you're reading this slurping away on your 6th breakfast champagne cocktail! 

Pulling out the cheeky quips and sarcasm is undoubtedly tempting but seldom beneficial to both your unfortunate chosen victim as well as your worshipped, covetable position as the firm family favourite - especially at Christmas. So to prevent you from not only noshing down on your Nan's shrimp cocktail but from bathing in it too my advice would be to...
(a). Stand well clear from any prime serving dish flinging locations and, 
(b). Keep your legendary comebacks to yourself no matter what groundbreakers your audience may be missing out on!

With Christmas cheer all loud n'clear for all to hear, I present to you my helpful little guide in navigating your way through the family gathering time and prevent you from getting as roasted as the dear rosemary soaked turkey this year! Treat yourself to the delights and laughter of Christmas but keep it light n'breezy on the ole sherry or the turkey won't be the only poor sod with a hand stuffed up its' ass in undignified glory! 
Your mama may fervently insist that "everything must go!"...(why hello there mince pie #7) but that doesn't include your manners you naughty scoundrels! 

Don't present the gift of food poisoning

You may well have great intentions as you riffle your way through the spice cupboards but let's just take a second to remind you that you ain't no nigella love. To keep things smooth and simplez, take heed of the following...
(a). If whipping up a plethora of culinary feasts for your brood is as natural as taking a wee then job well done my friend. Quit slackin', pick up that whisk and get crackin'. That turkey won't hop on into the oven by itself, jeez. 
(b). If the kitchen is an unexplored playground where suddenly after your fifth bucks fizz it becomes as alluring as Santa's grotto then best leave it to mama bear or whip out the number to your local dominoes. Pizza never argues, pizza understands so pizza can never do wrong. Even at Christmas. 

Refrain from the art of Re-gifting

Approach. With. Caution. Before your holy vodka water convinces you otherwise make sure that you're not proudly re-gifting your aunt with the "seriously adorable" scotty dog slippers that your convinced her last year were "top of your christmas wish list". She won't be gleaming her veneers at you much in the years proceeding your fabulous lightbulb idea. 

Rudolph isn't real, just accept it

You may want to be top dog but just face it, Elf is purely for comedy gold entertainment only so please refrain yourself from dressing your dog like Rudolph and chucking him out the window like he can now magically fly. The Gin may convince you that you have the powers to bring about a Christmas miracle to rival that of dear baby Jesus but proceed with such antics and you'll be left laughing alone into a tumbler filled with gin-laced tears.

Pipe down chatty charlie

We all know that alcohol likes to endow you with enlightening wisdom and banter but stop shouting out for Fenton at the dinner table. The bastard dog ain't coming home. 

Your presence alone can't be unwrapped

We know your Mam convinced you as a young lass how unique, special and most truly one of a kind kid you were but that does not mean that the mere fact your family are lucky enough to be graced with your company for a day constitutes as a gift from the Gods. Don't be a lazy sod and make sure you don't rock up empty handed. Of course your Dad has always wanted a Tesco's finest windscreen cleaner for his car!

Put down the social chat

Gallantly discussing your political stance and opinions of the Syrian war over a Facebook status come Christmas morning does not constitute as gifting the World with acclaimed knowledge. It may save you a bunch of money and leave your bank balance sighing with relief but it certainly won't save your friendships. Just sayin'.

Pull us a cracker of a smile, scrooge

Pack away your cool-boy status for the day and bloody embrace some festive family fun! Yes okay your Dads jokes were only chuckle worthy the first time you heard them 4 hours ago at breakfast tipples but what's Christmas without a touch of taxing tomfoolery and the horrific jet-stream winds of your Nan's brussel sprout farts? She alone may be the prime cause for impending storm Eva but that's for another day so just let your hair down and go with the flow...or jet stream in your Nan's particular case!

By all means eat, drink and be merry but whatever you do, try to keep your lady lump puddings and candy cane sticks locked up and under wraps, ok? Your Nan would preferably like to see the day through till the very end you filthy elves!

Merry Christmas!

[Photo Source Inspiration: Pinterest]

16 December 2015

The Other Sides Of Beautiful

You can filter the fudge out of that recent selfie you just posted on Instagram but what exactly are you trying to achieve by relentlessly trying to upload it when your wifi connection decides it's had enough for the day? Are you posting it because it makes you feel good, it makes you feel happy? Or are you seeking the approval of the virtual world and waiting for their verdict of whether your beauty pasts muster? 

The definition and variations of beauty is as wide as the ocean when exposed to the world but there is no Pro-X camera filter for inner happiness and beauty. Don't fritter away your own self-respect and self approval to the subjective media standard of physical beauty. Beauty runs indefinately deeper than the gap between your thighs, the curve of your collarbone, the label stitched upon your shirt and the balayage tones threaded through your hair. Your beauty resides in the way you talk to yourself, the belief systems that are yours and yours alone, the values and importance you uphold in your actions and the way you stay true to yourself. 

Beauty is quite simply being you. Naturally, unashamedly you and not giving two flying f****s to who may or may not disagree with what you have to offer this world. Try not to box yourself into a media-led objective standard of beauty as what makes you attractive is far more than the colour of your eyes or the slop of your nose. I won't be ignorant here as yes looks do play an important role in being physically attracted to someone as it's natural to be drawn to someone on a physiological level but the traits and quirks that lie underneath the skin and flesh are where it's at. 

It's the qualities that mould together the personality behind the superficial external that truly make another fall flat on their face and head over heels in nutty infatuation. Your beauty and worth is not defined and bound to a subjective look that can be frozen in a single picture; it is derived from the fluid movement of your character and your authenticity as a unique, amazing and valued individual. 

In a mindless world engrossed with beauty, dating and the pursuit of some sort of standard of perfection, here's a grounding reminder of all the non-physical qualities that speak the voice of your beauty more than a face lift ever could...

Intelligence : Your assertiveness in what makes you tick, the more switched on you are about the world you live in and standing up for what interests and motivates you...that's what makes you sexy. Someone who owns their own mind owns their own life.

Honesty : I think that as the world moves forwards, dishonesty is something that has become such a natural and somewhat habitual trait to slip into. I'm not talking about when you ask someone to describe the night sky and they fervently reply "yellow". I mean someone whose actions are fed from doing the right thing, the ability to deal and manage the honest truths around them and isn't afraid to step up to honest reality.

A Sense of Humour : The ability to take life and all its crazy sky-castles with a decent pinch of salt and laugh it off is undoubtedly attractive. The ability to not take things so seriously and being able to laugh at yourself both in times of triumph and when you f**** up is a beautiful characteristic that really takes you far in life. A good sense of humour is indicative of creativity, negotiability and intelligence and cracking out a cheeky chuckle motivates others to loosen up and follow suit!

Fortitude & Confidence : No body likes to be led around in circles with vague hints and direction. Being direct, assertive and confident in your delivery gains far more respect and open receptivity. What is beautiful is to approach life in a somewhat relaxed, get-it-done demeanour. Someone who channels logic, reason and sensitivity into their decisions engineers a captivating and elegant mindset that exudes rationality and drive. That in itself is magnificent.

Courage : In some respect, we all dip in and out different character traits and practise certain ones more than others either mindfully or out of sheer habit. Saying that however, it is somewhat rare to find an individual who despite indifference will stand up and do the right thing when no one else is looking or when others fail to act. Someone who speaks up when a voice is required and remains silent when needed shows authentic courage of character. Being courageous is a beautiful trait to keep hold of as its' presence oozes the ability to be true to yourself despite the expectations of others. Courage demonstrates the pursuit of joy - both your own and those around you. Courage is an internal spark, a certain independence and confidence; it's beautifully sexy.

A Sense of Life : An individual who acts beyond just what they are has a beautiful temperament. Someone who thinks, moves and and sees for what they could be or should be drives a quality that motivates all other facets of their character. An individual who thinks highly of themselves and realises the potential they have to achieve and give a unique value to this world lives through inner beauty. A good sense of life is not driven by arrogance but a love of being alive and rinsing life of all that it has to offer.

The physical qualities may capture the fleeting gaze and attention of someone but it's y-o-u, your personality that retains that interest. 

[Photo Source Inspiration: Pinterest]

11 December 2015

Just A Little Festive Reminder

December is notorious for being a cheeky little elf and will go to great lengths (...of ribbon and other unnecessarily alluring pretty adornments) to wrap up and present big delicious gift boxes of stress, sweat, fears, tears and head tantrums. I just wanted to swing on by to give that mischievous minx a great big wedgie on his jingly jangle swinging balls and gift you with some friendly festive reminders to ease that whirling head of yours in the run up to mindless checkout queuing, feigning delight at your Nan's thoughtful gift of a big girl's fleecy nightgown, throughly abusing your works Christmas open bar and drunkenly face planting the toilet seat instead of the covetable soft lips of your eye candy. 

Oh and last but certainly not least re-inacting the scenes of Bridget Jones and her loyal red wine. Such skills.

Christmas may well be the season of chills, thrills and adorned with frills but it can certainly cause a few grey hairs popping up unwelcome and unannounced. Keep that pretty head of yours grounded and rooted in the magic of the festivities by reminding yourself of your ability to bounce back, have fun, focus on your family, blessings and investing in yourself with acceptance, kindness, gratitude and a great big stonkin' bottle of prosecco with your name all over it!

(1) As much as you may try, will, persuade and helplessly coax a loved one or friend to change, it's important to take a step back from the anxiety feeding your fear for their future. An important mechanism that can help diminish or ease the tension in such cases is to accept that you can not force someone to help themselves. It's not realistic or fair to either them or yourself to try and fix someone else; the best thing you can do is to take the time to simply understand them.

(2) You are only ever graced with one body. Regardless of whether you accept it with love or shower it with subjective, critical self-hate stay mindful to the fact that it is yours and yours alone and that in itself is what makes it objectively beautiful.

(3) Learning and lessons are continuous journeys bound by no stopping point. Lessons are learnt when you grow and make mistakes. Once one lesson is acknowledged, the next is just around the corner. Once one lesson is learnt, you simply move on to the next. Every facet of existence contains a lesson of some sort and for every minute that you breathe there are undiscovered lessons to be learned.

(4) The power of choice lies within you. Each and every one of us has an internal toolbox of mechanisms and strategies that we use to navigate through life. Some are helpful whilst others press the self-destruct button. Realistically and rationally, you know which tools are healthy but the power of choosing to follow these lies inside of you. The power of choice is a powerful transformer so remember to detach from emotional thoughts, look, assess, listen and trust. Only then will the answers become clear.

(5) Our point of pain becomes our point of freedom. Anxiety and emotional pain stem from memory feelings that we're unable to process and move past. These stored but unprocessed memories create mental blocks that play upon our anxieties, building a wall of anger that grips us tightly in undigested fear. Once we focus upon these waves of pain and anxiety and ground ourselves in the knowledge that we are reliving unprocessed thoughts from the past, transformation can occur. Attributing such trauma to memories that were left unattended in the past, freedom can flood into place. Pinpointing such emotional pain to past events can allow you to become more steadied, grounded, more calm and more in control where suddenly your perspective can become more focused with clarity and compassionate.

(6) Asking for help does not make you weak. Those around you will not think any less of you as a person or ridicule your value or worth when you seek their advice. If you need help, then ASK. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable only glorifies your strength so don't be afraid to accept help from others as it might just be the thing that transforms your life and sets you free.

(7) Nothing ever stays the same. It's unrealistic to expect the world and all that inhabits it to stay exactly the way it was planned. Just as the world is in constant transit, so too are we. It is perfectly fine to change your mind. What felt right for you at one point may feel unbalanced and wrong further along the line and that is perfectly okay. Any pressure you feel in having to see something through till the end is your own personal rules and pressure you're placing upon yourself. We're fickle creatures and you're perfectly entitled to indulge in that characteristic and change course. If something felt wrong for a friend, you wouldn't demand them to keep going despite the pain and misery it was causing them. You'd advise them to make a U-turn, change course and follow the path that feels right, wouldn't you? Well exactly the same applies to you - change what feels wrong and don't beat yourself up for doing so. Our paths in life are never linear so ride the waves and embrace the change of winds and sails. Change can be the very thing that leads you to unexpected victories.

(8) Don't allow anothers' bad day to affect yours. If someone is rude to you it is automatic for many of us to assume it is because we are bad people who have offended in some way when often it is far from the truth. Think back to when you had received some bad results or were experiencing a bad body image day; you were probably quite irritable and short with the shop assistant who couldn't understand what you were asking for, right? Just as your own thoughts that day affected the way you reacted to others around you, the same applies to them. If someone is mean to you, they're most likely battling the demons playing havoc in their own heads and not attacking you personally. Don't take indifference at face value as a reflection of your self-worth and don't let it get you down. You're sassy and you know it so play ball and put it into practise.

(9) Eat the damn chocolate. Those shiny luxurious lindt bow wrappers aren't just piled up on the glass table to sit there winking at you like devilish scamps. They are there for a purpose, just like you are sat staring at them for a purpose. Those little bombs of happiness are there to be eaten and you my dear friend are there to take one for the team and bloody well eat them. Life is too short to worry about every single last thing so let go a bit, have some fun and indulge in what you fancy. It's Christmas after all and Christmas is a time for a little bit of merry tipples, a little bit of Mariah on the speakers and just a whole lot of filthy chocolate goodness!

(10) You're freakin' fine as fudge. Seriously just look at y-o-u - hot damn! Soak it up & work that sass sista friend!

[Photo Source Inspiration: Pinterest]

01 December 2015

Date Night In The Big Smoke Smoulder

If you're looking for something to ignite the spark against the deep black slumber of the night sky and  ooze the magical heat of date night jitters then walk into whimsical wonderland heating things up in the big city this Christmas. 

Big burly, piping cups of frothy hot chocolates to bracing hot toddies of filth, cosy up to what London has to offer as you wrap yourself up in a cocoon of winter romance guaranteed to impress without the stress and get more than just the windows a little steamy.

Victoria Park, South Hackney

Indulge in some competitive childish play by whisking your date away for a game of old-school crazy golf tucked away in Victoria park. With secret tunnels to slip into and risky routes to rummage through, this self-contained 9-hole course will undoubtedly unleash your inner kid of mischief and fun. Wrap up for a night that'll leave you nailing more than a hole in one and showcasing some very happy balls even before you snuggle down on the sofa!

Valentia Place, Brixton

Get ready to rumble with some debaucherous fun and tantalising tipples as you slip into the dark side of Christmas in the sneaky and sexy secret saloon of Santa's South pole. Escape the hurly burly winds  of Winter and get the fire drum beating in the heart of your date by firing up your playful side in this haven of Dj's, booze, sumptuous street food, booze, hip swaying live music and even more booze!

Sheperds Bush Yard

Spice up your night and your heart with a winter warmer by scampering over to this magical and majestical scandinavian enchanted forest. Wrap your hungry lips around some scrumptious street-food comforts amongst the surroundings of ivy scattered pergolas, Norwegian wood structures and icy ivy trees but don't fill up too much as the sweet treat of your chosen date is set to be served for dessert! 

Southbank Centre

Get your winter date night frolockings rockin' n' rollin' all night long by gliding into some festive fun. BUMP rollerdisco is flying into town this Christmas so grab your date, throw out all inhibitions and get the balls ignited in your love life by crashing and bumping under the mirror disco ball and heating beats of mood-igniting tunes!

1 Curtain road, London

Queen of Hoxton brings the covetable gifts of Christmas to the 9-5 haze of the smokey city with its rooftop pop-up of tempting fun and games. Inspired by the Grimm's brothers Fairy tales, it's time to get yourself lost in the heart of winter romance and the magical forest of fantastical drinks and nibbles sweetened and served at the memorable gingerbread bar. Come take a bite!


Grotto OutrĂ© opens its mysterious and memorable gates of serious beats, festive cheer and a rave room of tomfoolery that shows no signs of sleep in anticipation for Santa's arrival! This fun house of weirdly wonderful ice characters and blood pumping icy cocktails will get your jingle bells dancing and your Christmas festivities just a little bit naughty! If you can't be a bad elf now then when can you be? Christmas just got exciting again...


Escape the hustle and bustle of London life and escape into the fairytale relaxation of an Alpine chalet by slipping into something a little slinky and minxy and skipping on down to this underground ski chalet inspired cocktail lounge. Warm your cockles with some Mulled Sloe Gin and get a little festive happy with some snowy cocktails to really slip into some seasonal splendour!

D&D London

Bringing the winter warming comforts and majestical wonder of traditional French mountain chalets, Coq d'Argent once again brings the perfect winter escape to the centre of the city with its apres-ski themed bars, snuggly chairs draped in furry blankets of comfort  and indulgent menus of nibbles and tipples. Prepare to roast the heart of your date, warm your toes and fall in too deep with the wintry treats heating up in the big, cold smoke.

[Photo Source Inspiration: Pinterest, plonkgolf.com, timeout.com, coqdargent.co.uk]
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