25 December 2015

Merry Christmas You Filthy Elves!

Well, well, well another year has passed and the day for all things jingly jangly, notoriously naughty and down-right rowdy has officially arrived! As a lady whose always ready to encourage others to indulge in some playful mischief this is my sly little nudge in hoping that you're reading this slurping away on your 6th breakfast champagne cocktail! 

Pulling out the cheeky quips and sarcasm is undoubtedly tempting but seldom beneficial to both your unfortunate chosen victim as well as your worshipped, covetable position as the firm family favourite - especially at Christmas. So to prevent you from not only noshing down on your Nan's shrimp cocktail but from bathing in it too my advice would be to...
(a). Stand well clear from any prime serving dish flinging locations and, 
(b). Keep your legendary comebacks to yourself no matter what groundbreakers your audience may be missing out on!

With Christmas cheer all loud n'clear for all to hear, I present to you my helpful little guide in navigating your way through the family gathering time and prevent you from getting as roasted as the dear rosemary soaked turkey this year! Treat yourself to the delights and laughter of Christmas but keep it light n'breezy on the ole sherry or the turkey won't be the only poor sod with a hand stuffed up its' ass in undignified glory! 
Your mama may fervently insist that "everything must go!"...(why hello there mince pie #7) but that doesn't include your manners you naughty scoundrels! 

Don't present the gift of food poisoning

You may well have great intentions as you riffle your way through the spice cupboards but let's just take a second to remind you that you ain't no nigella love. To keep things smooth and simplez, take heed of the following...
(a). If whipping up a plethora of culinary feasts for your brood is as natural as taking a wee then job well done my friend. Quit slackin', pick up that whisk and get crackin'. That turkey won't hop on into the oven by itself, jeez. 
(b). If the kitchen is an unexplored playground where suddenly after your fifth bucks fizz it becomes as alluring as Santa's grotto then best leave it to mama bear or whip out the number to your local dominoes. Pizza never argues, pizza understands so pizza can never do wrong. Even at Christmas. 

Refrain from the art of Re-gifting

Approach. With. Caution. Before your holy vodka water convinces you otherwise make sure that you're not proudly re-gifting your aunt with the "seriously adorable" scotty dog slippers that your convinced her last year were "top of your christmas wish list". She won't be gleaming her veneers at you much in the years proceeding your fabulous lightbulb idea. 

Rudolph isn't real, just accept it

You may want to be top dog but just face it, Elf is purely for comedy gold entertainment only so please refrain yourself from dressing your dog like Rudolph and chucking him out the window like he can now magically fly. The Gin may convince you that you have the powers to bring about a Christmas miracle to rival that of dear baby Jesus but proceed with such antics and you'll be left laughing alone into a tumbler filled with gin-laced tears.

Pipe down chatty charlie

We all know that alcohol likes to endow you with enlightening wisdom and banter but stop shouting out for Fenton at the dinner table. The bastard dog ain't coming home. 

Your presence alone can't be unwrapped

We know your Mam convinced you as a young lass how unique, special and most truly one of a kind kid you were but that does not mean that the mere fact your family are lucky enough to be graced with your company for a day constitutes as a gift from the Gods. Don't be a lazy sod and make sure you don't rock up empty handed. Of course your Dad has always wanted a Tesco's finest windscreen cleaner for his car!

Put down the social chat

Gallantly discussing your political stance and opinions of the Syrian war over a Facebook status come Christmas morning does not constitute as gifting the World with acclaimed knowledge. It may save you a bunch of money and leave your bank balance sighing with relief but it certainly won't save your friendships. Just sayin'.

Pull us a cracker of a smile, scrooge

Pack away your cool-boy status for the day and bloody embrace some festive family fun! Yes okay your Dads jokes were only chuckle worthy the first time you heard them 4 hours ago at breakfast tipples but what's Christmas without a touch of taxing tomfoolery and the horrific jet-stream winds of your Nan's brussel sprout farts? She alone may be the prime cause for impending storm Eva but that's for another day so just let your hair down and go with the flow...or jet stream in your Nan's particular case!

By all means eat, drink and be merry but whatever you do, try to keep your lady lump puddings and candy cane sticks locked up and under wraps, ok? Your Nan would preferably like to see the day through till the very end you filthy elves!

Merry Christmas!

[Photo Source Inspiration: Pinterest]

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