21 March 2016

The Deathly Curious World Of WebMD

WebMD. The online encyclopaedia of reasons why, if you're not already, you're going to die. 
It's like stumbling upon a colourful adventure book of where's wally where each option you choose leads you to the inevitable and final destination of death or some other diabolical terminal illness. 
Googling any ailment, twinge, pull, fart or breath you experience is the most efficient way to convince yourself you're unquestionably dying. 

Let's face it, we all do it. You wake up feeling a tiny twinge of pain in your head, put it to one side and write it off as too many after work tequilas and carry on. Come elevenses you've convinced yourself the pain has manifested itself into shooting stabs stretching across your left eye and come to think of it you can feel the remnants of some pain creeping into your right hand chest. By the time the clock hand has struck lunchtime you're sweating like a nun in a strip club whilst frantically scouring the symptom checker online and lo and behold you're deepest, darkest fears have been confirmed...you're having an aneurysm and have only hours to bid your farewells. RIP you poor sod.

My, my what a nasty rabbit hole you've tumbled into! My humble words of wisdom in such a predicament? Step. Away. From. The. Mouse. No seriously, stop freaking yourself out like some maniac hypochondriac and go watch some cat videos on youtube instead. 

Headache + a red blotch on the side of your head = dying, right? No. It's more likely to be down to the fact you hit your head with the hairdryer three times that morning, being still half asleep and late for work. Chill, homie.

That being said, since it's just another manic monday and newsflash! Monday hates you too, I took it upon myself to lighten the mood and get the good vibes a-flowing by curating my own virtual symptom checker with some of the most bizarre conditions you could be struck down with. There's plenty to peruse through so just a heads up to be careful out there in the big bad world poppet - especially if you're just about to pop a new tablet or two! 
Happy, Healthy Monday y'all!

Now according to most personal trainers and avid gym-goers aplenty, such a stance works marvellously for ones' glutes but hey, what do they know eh? According to WebMD, if you find yourself squatting then you're knee deep in dangerous grounds.

Teeth Don't Fit Like They Used To
Now unless you've a pair of sparkly knashers that you remove on the daily and you're experiencing a particularly tough day where you forget where they go I'm not sure this symptom would be legitimate to diagnose the early stages of let's say, ring worm for example. Tongue chattering stuff.

Fits Of Rage
If that's the case then I think we can all safely assume we're experiencing the onset of the black plague. I don't care what WebMD says but that moody cow of a shop assistant had that sly leg trip coming when she so inconsiderably dared to interrupt my shopping flow. Am I right?

Foul Smelling Stools
Right....as opposed to all other times it smells like a meadow of fresh daisies eh?

Frequent Morning Drinking
Goddamit. Time to bid farewell to those lazy Saturday brunch dates. WebMD is such a fun-sucking kill joy; a cheeky tipple or two would work wonders to lighten the miserable sod up a touch. 

Fear Of Breathing
Good grief, you're good for nothing kid.

Well I don't know about you but if this is indicative of imminent death then I must be one sweet baby Jesus resurrecting each time my alarm goes off. Once my head hits that pillow, I'm a goner and absolutely good for nothing. But I guess it's awfully considerate of WebMD to make me aware of what I potentially suffer from every time I risk going to sleep. 

Heavy Breathing
Well shucks if this one's backed by the authoritative word of WebMD then that makes it a medical note to support the avoidance of checking my bank balance at all costs. One I'm only happy to abide.

Various Moles Of Different Ages
Good golly now that you mention it I have a stubborn little golden oldie on my forearm, a pair of pubescent spoilt brats with undeniable attitude on my neck and don't even get me started on the toddler wailing on my back...

Uncontrollable Eye Twitch
Oh Fiddlesticks I better just make my way to the nearest funeral directors now. My eye balls get a nasty case of itchy feet every time they clock sight of anyone mildly attractive...i.e. 95% of humanity.

I sincerely hope I've made your Monday miraculously more entertaining than usual and brought a darn sight more work to all those GP surgeries out there - You're all welcome!

[Photo Source Inspiration: Pinterest]

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