18 June 2016

Signs You're Nothing But Bloody British...

We are a nation of utter contradictions. We love being British and also hate being British. We glorify our power and united allegiance yet simultaneously moan how powerless we have become. We love our tea made one way and one way only and engage in heated debate on whether the jam or the cream is slathered first on the coveted scone. Yet one thing that sticks out above all else is that Britain, despite its best efforts is nothing but just a bit British. 

We're eccentric, we're sarcastic, we form queues at every possible encounter (...who else queues for a train?), any glimpse of sun and we're at the tills with a bottle of Pimms, weather extremities cause a nation shutdown and we've most likely all said thank you to a cash machine. 

We're a bundle of predicaments, David Attenborough is our spoken God, we still mourn the loss of Woolworths but lovingly we're unique, the smug home of Cadbury's and you can always count on us to be bat-shit drunk before midday when we're on our jollies!

So let's raise our glasses and make a toast to being nothing but bloody British...Hear Hear! Anyone for a cuppa instead?

#1. Saying Sorry is a natural reaction to just about any situation. If in doubt, just say sorry; the self checkout machine will be most thankful.

#2. Pretty much everything you or another says will sound riddled with sarcasm.

#3. You will be met with a chorus of disgruntled disgust and outrage if you do not dunk your digestive into your cup of tea. To dunk one's biscuit is the nation's unspoken law of conduct (..and acceptance).

#4. The weather will always be the default topic of conversation when we're at a social loss.

#5. A cup of tea is the answer to ease all worries. We love it. No really, we really bloody do. 

#6. David Attenborough will forever be the grandfather we all wish could read us bedtime stories every night. 

#7. "I absolutely LOVE it; you've made such an improvement to how it was!" will always be the default response to when the hairdresser asks what you think of the cut. It is only when you close the salon door and round the corner that you burst into hysterical sobs as Donald Trump wails back at you in the window reflection.

#8. The excuse for getting on the beers at 7am in the departure lounge is almost as exciting as going on holiday.

#9. The nation's hailed cuisine of choice may not be culinary refinement but it sure does hit the spot on a Friday night after a few bevvies down the pub. Fish n'chips anyone?

#10. As soon as we get a glimmer of sun, the tops are whipped off, the shorts come out and we all become painfully aware that we're late on the bikini-body ready game.

#11. You can always count on us to keep the holiday souvenir shops full of cheap crap afloat by being too bloody polite to say no and getting royally ripped off. 

#12. We like to over-gesticulate just to reinforce our point.  

#13. Marmite is a hot topic taken in all its seriousness. There are two boats, no safety waters to float in: you either love it or you hate it. End of discussion. 

#14. We don't go on holiday to tan, we go in order to fry ourselves into one walking embarrassment tinged in a bespoke shade of maroon aptly named 'Knob'. Upon our return, said burn doesn't magically turn us into one brazen beach babe but a walking hazard of dry peelings. 

#15. The Argos catalogue was like your childhood Bible; a world of knowledge every Sunday morning.

#16. Whenever a summer event is planned for outside fun and mischief, it will rain. 100%.

#17. The sheer abomination at having to pay anything more than 10p for a freddo will remain forever strong and united. Patriotic we are!

#18. A Nando's date is treated like a saintly right of passage into the mother of all experiences.

#19. TV schedule looking dead and uninspiring? Life's only one constant will forever save the day with its' viewing reliability - Come Dine With Me.

#20. Christmas excitement and euphoria can only commence once the precious coca-cola advert hits the airing screens and the John Lewis advert makes you choke back a sob. Fact.

#21. Following from our innate need not to 'rock the boat' and remain polite, we often use the phrase "Not to be funny but..." in order to lessen the blow of a complaint or insult. 

#22. The power of toast is undeniable. Who knew that a toasted piece of bread could bring together as a nation and unite us in comfort. For any other country, toast is somewhat bottom of the pile in Breakfast importance. For us brits it is nothing short of a treat to cure all of life's woes. A golden piece of glory is an acceptable snack or mindless pastime any time of day - come rain or shine!

#23. A weekend is not a weekend without a fry-up and getting all up in the grill with a couple o'sausages!

Keep calm and get that kettle on, love!

Love, Sarah

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