18 September 2016

Single Swag: Why Wine Will Always Beat Having A Beau

"Still a single pringle then poppet? Awww now don't you worry, you'll find a lovely chap in no time at all once you grow into those cheeks of yours." 

Sound like a reoccurring case of de-ja vu? Who doesn't pander for the family gatherings that suddenly elevate you into the topic of prime interest and your love life - or lack thereof, thanks for asking - becomes the top pick of fun ridicule? 

Plus those cheeks you'll eventually "grow into"? Little do they know you've been mothering those babies for when food shortage strikes and you can store the goods for the long-haul like a hamster. Who'll be laughing then, eh?

So you're edging ever closer into your twenties and still don't have a significant other to bring home to woo the old 'rents other than a suitcase of dirty washing? 

Don't wave the flag of shame just yet as you, my dear friend are forgetting the wonders that come with the single girl swag status! We all know that having a boyfriend to parade about with has its time and place and can be a pretty cool asset but let's face it - it's bloody hard work keeping the love vibe alive. 

Not to mention the sheer amount of razors you have to fork out for just to keep your pits acceptable.

So if you're a singleton knocking about town then I challenge you to find rhyme or reason as to why you'd rather snuggle down with a hairy pair of legs (...I'm not talking about your own bub) when you can deliciously spoon two men of seductive smoothness: Ben & Jerry. 

Boyfriends are great but wine is better so go forth and ignite that single swag of sass...!

#1. It always has your back

Life is a roller coaster but there will always be one trusty companion who'll sit with you during the rough ride. Wine. Bust up with your landlord? Wine. Hellish day at work? Wine. Dog ripped your primarni handbag? Wine. Ex now dating a VS model? Wine. Let's face it, wine can soothe and satisfy your woes in more ways than a man with skilled hands ever could. Plus wine will never cancel on you - winner.

#2. It will never complain to or about you

Wine will always put you and your desires as its priority. Whether you're craving a night of frivolous fun or a chilled night of box set binge-watching then wine will pander to your request and will most certainly get the place popping and the party started or accompany your sofa sloth state of zen. Zero complaints, Zero problems makes for one smug you.

#3. It always pleases the 5 senses

The tantalising taste, the caressing touch, the alluring aroma and the soft mellows of its charming whispers, wine is what you want and wine is what you need. Still missing the sunday morning duvet tumbles? Get yourself to Ann summers and enjoy the purchase(s) whilst sipping wine. Simplez.

#4. It will never judge you

In desperate need for a chocolate munchies craving fix to accompany the contours of Poldark's abs? Don't fret as wine wouldn't dare even lift an eyebrow when you dart out the door to Onestop donning your period pants, sports bra, pug face slippers and ex's zip up hoodie. It's all about functionality after all.

#5. It always knows what you want

You know you want wine and wine knows you want nothing more than wine. No hidden meanings, no assumptions, no second-guessing and no ulterior motives. If that doesn't sound like a match made in heaven then I don't know what is!

#6. It has no problem opening up to you

Wine is only but happy to oblige when you want some deep bonding time and is always up for late-night emotional chats of everything and anything sans nagging, cajoling or heated exchanges. Heck wine is even up for a good old re-enactment of the Bridget Jones pity party wailing scene. Utter dream team!

#7. Everyone likes photos of you and it on Facebook

You act like a dream team, you talk like a dream team and let's face it, you look like one goddam hot-to-trot dream team. Wine is a total people pleaser who everyone is keen to see unlike the cheesy couple profile picture of you and said boyfriend. (edit: ex)

#8. Your parents are always pleased when you bring it home

Bringing this baby home to meet the 'rents is a given house pleaser. You can sigh in relief at the anticipated meet n'greet when your mama raises the roof with cheers as she descends her welcome kisses upon it and your dad bonds in remarks of triumph over the match. No computer background checks or overprotective brother pep-talks necessary.

#9. You can share it with friends

Wine is always up for a good time and stands by the life motto of the more the merrier! Everyone looks forward to wine o'clock as it celebrates the art of pure filthy gossip without any jealousy or weird vibes of monogamy trespassing. Sharing is caring after all.

#10. It will make you smile without doubt

Wine will deliver every time you get your hands on it and its attention will always be focused on making you feel goddam invincible. It's cheeky, it's persuasive, it's charming and it's a total bad influence. I challenge you not to blush and giggle when wine enters the room.

#11. It always smells nice for you

It knows how to please and with that always pops with a shower of alluring nose-tingling aromas. The sweet fragrance of satisfaction is always delivered when it comes to wine time and if not the ability to return a stinky swine is a completely acceptable reaction.

#12. It encourages & applauds your shopping habits

Wine will never utter angry explanatories of despair or threaten you with the prospect of freezing your bank card amongst a bag of homemade faggot. With wine by your side you'll find yourself in heaven complete with your very own personal shopper of expertise who wouldn't dare remind you of the amount you dropped in Topshop only yesterday. There's a time and a place guys, jeez.

#13. When you have enough you can get rid of it

Getting a bit tired of the daily grind? Seeing the same old face label and sipping from the same cup day in day out can leave you feeling complacent. The solution? Chuck it in the f*** it trash bucket and move on. There's a whole new world aisle of lucky candidates to get your lips around. No need for tissues my flighty scamps, it's a simple case of sample and replace!

#14. Wine o'clock lasts longer

Happy hour delivers a whole lot more tomfoolery and shameless shenanigans than any man could on date night. Wine certainly can deliver a lot more than a swift 20 minutes at best.

#15. It will always tell you you're sexy

After two glasses of prime time with your main squeeze and you won't be able to keep your swag of sass restrained. You're sexy and you know it.

Wine gets better with age. Enough said.

That being said if any lucky lad would like to scamper along bearing wine and all things fine then I'd be more than happy to step up to the role of judge...Let the games begin!

Love, Sarah

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