07 September 2016

The Inevitable Traditions of Autumn

Everyone knows that as soon as Autumn skulks out from her sleepy slumber, certain mandatory traditions kick into full swing which are the only legitimate way to usher in the new season...Pumpkin spiced latte anyone? 

The frayed denim hot pants you sweatily squeezed yourself into all summer long are packed away alongside the bikinis and out comes the jumper tents of comfort! It's time to welcome the return of make-shift blanket forts of glory, binge weekends of Netflix and naughty chocolate tubs so pack away those razors as every inch of skin nestles down to hibernate beneath the layers of winter wonder gear. Hairy legs are the it accessory of the season don't you know? It's all about the extra thermal layering!

To console your disdain at the empty Pimms bottle of raucous summer nights and impending torrential showers, I thought it was only fitting that I comprise a set of autumn customs that'll give your sorry selfs something to look forward to partaking in as Autumn bounces into full whack. 

Indulge in some seasonal pastime fun that'll be sure to warm those chilly toes of yours!

#1. The fake tan shelves of Boots will become a desolate sight as we flock to any saviour to help sustain any remnants of summer glory and bronzed limbs. So long lean and lengthy looking limbs and hello pasty winter seal blubber. Padded warmth over sculpted sadness, right?

#2. It becomes a competition with fellow friends of who can taste test the entire range of new season Starbucks drinks the quickest. The time for artsy low-light Instagram shots is now...#whatatimetobealive.

#3. The day you wake up with a torrential down-pour outside your window will be the day you inwardly admonish yourself for spending your summer pay cheques on the absolute essentials of flamingo floats and beer garden competitions as opposed to saving for autumn wardrobe essentials: a raincoat and an umbrella.  

#4. Imprinting the contours of your ass on the sofa for an entire 48 hours at the weekend is not only acceptable but entirely encouraged. Throw in an entire Netflix series of Suits and numerous bowls of crumble and custard and you my friend are l-i-v-i-n-g.

#5. You will experience the urge to manifest your hovel into an abode of blankets, scatter cushions, fairy lights and scented candles. If the weather insists on being a miserable sod outdoors then it's only fitting you magic a paradise of comfort indoors.

#6. The giddy anticipation and excitement of running gallantly through the fresh fall of crunchy autumn leaves will be sharply burst as you trundle home with mud splattered tights and an abundance of crunchy soggy limp leaves covered in brown sludge attached to your shoes. Regrettable tomfoolery.

#7. The 'Crumbled feta kale salad-dressing on the side' button abruptly unplugs and suddenly the incessant need for hug-in-a-mug- food will rumble and roar. Think steaming roast dinners with all the trimmings, creamy buckets of mama's rice pudding, apple crumble and custard and frothy hot chocolates topped with whipped cream, marshmallows and the entire contents of cadburys world in full gluttinous glory...#noregrets.

#8. Excitedly suggesting a family ambling amongst the rolling countryside wrapped up in thick fluffy scarfs and plodding around in fresh wellies as the dog darts in and out of hidden trees. Expectation and reality rarely read off the same hymn page. You'll find yourself battling against bitter winds of misery, hair reminiscent of cruella deville, a pooch covered in a thick layer of brown mush and wellies that insist on making a farting noise every time you lift your foot. Sounds dreamy, eh?

#9. You will eat all the damn carbs ya feel like eating. The 'No carbs before Marbs' mantra can be packed away along with the summer bikinis that lay untouched because polar bear or not, you're a human being who needs to be kept toasty and warm in the form of crispy Yorkshire puds. No shame; the extra carb layer will provide some extra cushin' for some pushin' come play time...#winwin.

#10. The lengthy minutes, hours, months, years spent surviving the education system still leaves you with the incessant need to plan, organise and relish a trip to WHSmith in the anticipated purchase of shiny new stationary every September. Who knew such inspiration could be found in the opening of a freshly crisp white notebook and such enjoyment could be unearthed in snapping open a fresh new biro pen. Always the simple things in life!

#11. Hours will be wasted upon numerous trips to the shops and you trying on every. single. wooly. hat. on. offer. The day will eventually come that you find the one...it's just being an utter tart and taking its tardy time to find you.

#12. The mind-blowing sex on the beach you devoured all summer long will become a distant memory of lust. Personal taste changes just like the seasons and suddenly the thought of something stonkin' big, dark and seductively handsome to sink your teeth into sounds tantalising. Hot cocoa I'm talking about before you get any filthy ideas. Mind you, the mind-blowing sex on the beach that you also took to as a pleasant summer pastime will be swapped for flannel trackies, fluffy pug socks and warming goji-berry face mask snuggles on the sofa. Hard luck lads.

#13. Twitter becomes a platform for the world and his wife to provide us with daily - if not hourly - updates to the precise number of hours, days, fridays and sleeps we can expect before Santa Claus has to prepare himself for some bum-scuffing thuds down our chimneys. Cheer up! We all know that fervent denial of yours secretly covers a giddy excitement for shameful drunken office shenanigans! Scrooge.

#14. As Halloween begins to creep round the corner, you find yourself trawling through pinterest for hours on end locating the perfect pumpkin design to impress the socks off your housemates. It's only when you've spent a tense two hours attempting to recreate said design and only managing to cut just about every one of your fingers and not an inch of pumpkin flesh you realise why most go to Poundland for a plastic jobby. All the gory glory without the woeful ghostly cries of bleeding fingers.

#15. It's the season made for snuggling and keeping toasty so prepare to spend some quality time with your number one beau - Mr. Hot water bottle. He's always up for getting close n'personal, doesn't have issues with personal space, is always there for your every beck and call and never answers back. Sorry lads, summer gave you your glory days but now you've got no chance for a look in!

Love, Sarah

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