02 October 2016

New Life Mantra: The F**k-It-Bucket

*Caution: Lots of blasphemous swearing and humour will now occur so if you're a sensitive soul, proceed with prudence*

Let's be frank here and put our cards on the table, this world can be one bad ass adventure ride of fun and heart pounding naughtiness and yet sometimes it can well and truly be an utter buttmunch. 

Remember all those times in the past you succeeded in great glory from nailing that article on well-endowned sugar daddies at work to the seamless vodka dancing that got you your boyfriends' number...shatiing! Remember them? Do you remember feeling like a stud, the boss, the golden God of the universe? Debatable. 

It probably manifested more as your inner monkey head chatter getting all up in your grill and delightfully taking the opportunity to remind you how much of a incapable ball-bag you really are. Endearing words from the asshole upstairs, eh? 

All of us are guilty of it. Your mum does it, your dad does it, your great grandmother twice removed does did it heck, even Dyson the dog does it! It's something that manifests almost naturally without second thought...Shit, that's what I'm talkin' about. Only joking. Got your attention though right?

So without delving too deep into psycho babble chitchat, the voice of our inner monkey chatter - our thoughts - lead us to feel a certain way and therefore mould how we react and behave to the world. 

Whilst our thoughts may be loosely based in the reality we see around us, the douchebag monkey living upstairs takes glorified triumph in tainting, twisting and contorting the thoughts and beliefs we internalise and accept as scout honour truth. To be frank, your inner monkey delights in taking a giant dump on your thoughts so that you're left thinking like shit, feeling like shit and acting like the world is a giant shit ready to explode even more shit just for you. Sound familiar? Good grief you truly are in the shit my friend! 

Fret not pet since I've got your back and you've arrived at the right place to help shovel out the shit before you burn out and quit. Your monkey brain is a terribly manipulative liar if you keep feeding him the negative bananas but newsflash! It's entirely in your hands to stop giving him the damn 'nanas! Cut him off from his sodding fuel and he'll run out of jerk juice to throw at you. 

"How?", I hear you say? Negative vibes fuel negative thoughts and negative moods. If you're fuelling the negative crap by brooding on even more negative nonsense then it's no wonder you end up feeling like shit. What you give your energy and attention to will manifest itself in full spectacular glory!

Decide to quit. Quit the crap and stop letting that monkey douchebag boss you about. He's an asshole who's trying to stop you from reaching your destined potential because he's selfish and jealous and doesn't want to share you with the rest of the world. That needy chimp knows you're made of golden goods! 

Our monkey chatter is skilled at filtering out the positive aspects of any given situation - like your badass vodka cha-cha slide and zooming in on the negative slipups - like the teeny tiny face plant that occurred in said cha-cha slide -  until they're magnified into catastrophic atrocities that makes you feel like Dyson's daily morning dump release. No bueno.

Look, I get you. There's more than enough psychological self-help crap out there already, just skip on down to Waterstones and you'll be set for the year on bedtime page flickers. I won't sit here and try and convince you that I can be your goddam fairy godmother and transform your life into a pink bubble of glitter, candy floss, sparkle and unicorns but adopting the attitude of my new life mantra can help to deck you out with some ball-busting ninja moves to slay that monkey douchebag and all his negative baggage where it hurts the most. 

Sound tempting? Get to it then...stop wallowing in the pity party toilets - that's for Moaning myrtle and her own personal life crisis - buckle up and launch into a wise-crack new head-space! 

So if you're ready to risk it for a fruity biscuit then I'm jammy to lead the way to the 'Fuck-It-Bucket' of fun. Let's get down n'dirty...!

Today is the day ladies and gentlemen to try something different; something your mama told you would lead your peachy ass straight to the naughty step...it's time you started not giving a fuck.

Welcome to the Fuck-It-bucket; a tongue in cheek, hilarity provoking philosophy of life that will lift the hefty weight of the world from your shoulders if you just go for it!

The Fuck-It-bucket is essentially the x-rated love child between 'Positive Mental Attitude' and 'Shit Happens', where your emotional life burdens are dumped into a magical reactive bucket, acting like an instantaneous stress-reliever and joy exchange machine. 

The idea of a Fuck-It Bucket was first coined by a top lad called David Sedaris. His brother grabbed a bucket and topped that baby up with a filthy sweet mountain of candy. This dude is my God and evidently knew how to bloody l-i-v-e. His mantra for life? "When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it!' and eat yourself some motherfucking candy!" 

Now I'm totally down for the admirable candy bucket idea but I feel like I'd end up with a wedge of warnings from the diabetes committee and dentists alike. So with a heavy heart at bidding farewell to the fizzy strawberries and bouncin' jelly beans of the candy king pickn'mix stand, I propose we take David Sedaris' original idea and spruce it up all fancy n'fine so you can go and live yourself some goddam rewarding life! 

Let's raise our glasses to FISH: Fuck it. Shit Happens!

Where can you get your hands on a Fuck-It-Bucket? Well I heard Homebase do a pretty good bucket deal...

#1. Hustle yourself a bucket. Whether that be via a cheeky trip to Homebase or a cheeky trip to your neighbours garage, the choice is yours my friend. 

#2. Write the eloquent phrase "Fuck It" on the side of your acquired bucket.

#3. Stand back and smugly admire your creative handiwork whilst munching on the rejected candy.

#4. Get dumping. 

So the basic idea of the 'Fuck-It-Bucket' is that instead of filling it with gummy fried eggs, you fill it with the negativity, the guilt, the sadness, the hurt, the ego, the loneliness and all other negative, depressing crap your monkey douchebag continually throws at you. Instead of walking around with all those worries, expectations, angst, anxieties and shame, choose to slam-dunk those ass-hole emotions straight into the bucket - 
every. single. one. of. them! 

Whenever that monkey head of yours turfs out another negative blow to knock you down, scribble it out on a scrap of paper, scrunch it up like the useless thought it is and chuck it in that damn bucket whilst screaming out 'Fuck It' like a cat on crack. 

Physically writing out that thought and emotion makes you wake up and own it; it gives you back the reins so that y-o-u can control what you do with it next. You can either choose to surrender to it and hand back control to that meddling monkey or you can choose to wield the epic power of a ninja warrior and fire-launch that buttmunch of a thought into your Fuck-It-Bucket of oblivion. Once it's chucked, it's gone, it's done and it ain't coming back to mess with you. 

The Fuck-It-Bucket acts as a metaphorical burning of all the heartache, regret and disappointment you've dealt with and once it hits the rim, it's in the past. The Fuck-It-Bucket requires you to adhere to the following philosophy: Dump those worries into the mix whilst screaming 'Fuck it' to its face then proceed to giggle, smile, fart or whatever takes you in the moment and then saunter off to go kick some ass!

If you're not happy with your lot in life then put on your big-lad pants and take a chance on trying something different. Change is exactly what it says on the tin; change. It's a theory that constantly changes and never stands still so what's there to lose in taking an irresponsible test drive in an Audi R8 down an exciting new road of life? Bravery and strength may just be impatiently waiting for you down the end of that unknown road. 

Shake things up and don't let your fears and mindless monkey stop you from stepping off the hamster wheel of life and going after what your heart pines for. You'll always be surrounded by the  naysayers, the doubters and the jealous but you know what? Be rebellious and do exactly what they frown upon as at the end of the day, who will be the one living their bloody life? You. 

You can be the juiciest, plumpest, ripest peach in the goddam grocery store but there will always be someone who'll pick a bloody clementine over you. The solution? Quit looking for the nod of approval from others and give yourself your own sweet lovin' and  appreciation. What others think of you is their problem and should be of no concern to you - after all you should be too preoccupied trying new things, succeeding, failing but never backing down and lying low like a doormat to your monkey head. 

The experiences you go through write the story of your life: the good, the bad and the down-right ugly so just keep chugging away and when life hits a shit brick...

Grab yourself some candy and shout "Fuck It!"

Here's to being courageous, being authentic and being one bad-ass mother****!

Love, Sarah

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  1. Absofreakinglutely true. Everyone should have fuck-it bucket and not be afraid to use it. Your life is your life, and what others think (including your monkey brain) simply does not matter.

    1. The world would sure be a lot more free and fun that way! Glad you liked the article! :)


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