01 November 2016

The Sarcastic Truth Behind British Politeness

So here's the truth, us Brits as a nation are one confusing bunch of passive-aggressive nutters. We're known to be notoriously polite, queue at any social opportunity going, love a juicy biscuit-dunking tea gossip and love a bloody good pint down the pub.

We appear to be a species of sophisticated and refined politeness who love a good barbour jacket and stinking family roast but behind all the tweed is a country dripping in dry sarcasm and throwing out sass like confetti at a 90s disco. 

To sum it up as simply as possible, we just very politely don't like anyone!

So to celebrate the fabulously double-natured truth of common British sayings, I thought I'd rally up some of the classic favourites that render our blundering day-to-day existence as a united nation down-right awkward yet notoriously entertaining. Tally-Ho...!

"No please go ahead. Have the last piece." 
- "I swear to God if your teeth touch that slice I will nunchuck you where it hurts the most. Yes I am that desperate for it."

"See you later." 
- "Aha you'll be lucky. See you at some unspecified point by pure accident in the very distant future..."

"I'm fine" 
- "I will punch you in the face if you don't leave me to wallow."

"Yeah I suppose we could." 
- "Absolutely no chance."

"How about sending me an email just confirming the points we've discussed?" 
- "I haven't listened to a single word you've just said because it was boring me."

"Ah I've never really thought of it like that before!" 
- "You're talking complete bollocks."

"What's happened has happened so let's leave it in the past, eh?" 
- "I will never forget what an utter turd you've been and I will harness a chip on my shoulder for as long as you live."

"It was decent but I don't think I'd choose it again next time." 
- "I'd gladly eat my nana's homemade faggots over that utter plate of disaster. "

"It is what it is." 
- "Good God woman, stop complaining!"

"Anyway, I better let you crack on." 
- "Please stop talking to me. Seriously, please."

"Ooooh looks like someone got up to some cheeky mischief last night." 
- "You look like the back end of a rhino. Please go shower."

"Oh I only had 1 or 2 drinks so it was pretty chilled." 
- "8 double vodkas later I was crying in the corner of weather spoons as my bank card joined me in misery."

"We're going for a picnic, you should come!" 
- "Come join the daytime drinking party bitches!"

"Let's just say we didn't exactly see eye-to-eye." 
- "I kicked him in the shin and he called me a knob."

"Oh golly I didn't even see you there!" 
- "Really? Could you not see I was crouching by the sauces so you wouldn't notice me? How inconsiderate."

"My my someone's hungry!" 
- "Put down the bloody biscuits you greedy dustbin."

"Oh that's awfully strange, I haven't received any text from you..." 
- "I got it. I read it. Yes I ignored it."

"Oh darling you are looking quite tired."
 - "Dear Lord! Did you get hit by a tractor?"

"Yeah go on then, just a quick drink." 
- Waking up with your face in a dish of cheesy chips, "What the...?"

"Things didn't quite go to plan." 
- "Everything went tits up."

"What's mine is yours so make yourself at home." 
- "Touch anything bud and you're out."

Love, Sarah

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