26 December 2016

Dear Life...Can we be friends in 2017, please?

Well well well, she's scampered back in full force for yet another year of reckless behaviour and celebratory tomfoolery. 
It's time to buckle up comrades as Miss New Years Eve rolls into shore.

Everyone knows that January still remains to be one shitter of a month and the impending pressure to play copycat sheep to the keen bean gym bunnies and protein shake chuggers becomes as shuddering as the temperature plummet outside. 

Christmas and New year are golden tickets to the first-class gluttony lounge of all things slurped, burped and deliciously abused so why put a stop to all the fun, mischief and naughty nonsense with a list of commitment-phobe, party-pooping resolutions? No one likes a kill joy after all. 

New Year's Resolutions...they simply go in one year and out the other so maybe it's time to try your hand at something different this year. 

Quit torturing yourself by making a wish list of things you need to do to change yourself and do something radically innovative - Just be yourself. Own where you've been, what you've done, what you do and take the new year with a stride of sass, a wiggle of wander and go with the flow. Trying to transform yourself into someone who you think you should be is a terrible waste of the delightful little individual you already are. 

Quit striving for perfection, it's a non-existent, boring mirage created by some egotistical so'n'so and let yourself be real. Life is much more fun that way and you know what? You'll find that being nothing but unashamedly you without expectations will reward you with those very opportunities and triumphs you've been etching onto your resolution lists for years.

Take a peruse at my alternative scroll of resolutions 101. There's some majestical game-changers amongst the mix..!

1. Take a selfie that actually resembles a human being.

2. Actually finish a bloody tube of lip balm.

3. Perfect using the washing machine without shrinking an item of clothing. Yes, I'm talking to you bub.

4. Tone down the sarcasm. Yeah, right. 

5. Don't save reading your horoscope till the end like it's going to bring you towards some transformational light and new existence.

6. Don't pick your nose in the car. FYI we can still see you, dude.

7. Stand up for yourself & speak your mind. Just don't be an asshole...your opinion is often questionable.

8. Always wear socially acceptable underwear. Period pants will not past muster at any time.

9. Stop eating medicine that tastes like candy.

10. Make time to indulge in your favourite past-time activities. Like procrastinating.

11. No, that roast lamb did not play rookie with your dog, your blow pipes are protesting. Own it.

12. Channel Mr. West and love yourself like Kanye loves himself, believe in yourself like Kanye believes in himself. You are God anointed one.

13. Vow to go to the gym once a week to pay your respects before taste testing the new burger shack. 

14. Tolerate fools more gratefully unless they surpass their allocated time in your presence.

15. Use less deodorant and start washing your clothes more often ya filthy animal.

16. Stop insisting that pickup lines work. You will never nail her hole in one with your swinging stick bud.

17. Locate your damn hoover and use it. Your dog does not qualify as a vacuum cleaner you lazy, lazy human being.

18. Frequent the online shops less. EDIT: Less is more so "Shop more online".

19. Grow taller.

20. Pledge to watch more T.V. Experts affirm that television programmes can be acutely educational for personal growth so it'd be rude not to kick back, relax and catch up on all the missed box sets over the years. 

21. Identify the difference between compliments and sarcasm. 

22. Stop crying at animal videos. 

23. Commit to one form of exercise this year. By that I mean tie up your trainers and continue running away from lifes' problems. 

24. Embrace your single status in the comforting knowledge that even Brad Pitt can get dumped. 

25. Learn what the word "resolution" means. 

So my filthy little elves, may your troubles last as long as your resolutions do!

Love, Sarah

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