15 May 2017

The Wisdom of Hokum Advice


We've all been there. The moment of vexed annoyance when you're as stumped as a tree trunk and no amount of frank chats with yourself will help ease your thwarted confusion. The only plausible option is to sniff out the ground-breaking wisdom of your comrades, which to them is platinum standard foul-proof goods.




As Gwen Stefani so eloquently put it, that shit is bananas,
b-a-n-a-n-a-s. 




It's probably amongst one of my most knuckle grazing bug-bears and pitifully not one that can be easily prohibited without looking like an unappreciative cantankerous cretin. Oh the wonders of offered life advice!



We all love to sit on our high horse and impart our oh-so-golden nuggets of foresight to others but as soon as a whiff of advice escapes the lips of another, out comes the outraged sarcasm like the hypocritical nitwits we are.


Now don't get me wrong, some people undoubtedly have their smart hats well and truly on whilst honing some pretty solid well-intentioned wisdom but not all input is kosher. Channel your inner secret agent and harness the skill of a highly selective eye for weening the helpful from the total hogwash.



I can tell you from the very depths of my heart that when I'm feeling flat or stressed, nothing warms my mood more than someone telling me "not to sweat the small stuff". Oh of course! I never knew it was as simple as that, fool.



Let's dig into the treasure trunk of golden wisdom and who knows, what may cause my sarcastic sass to ignite like a firelighter may actually prove to enlighten your woes...


"Relax bud, you just need to chill and figure it out!"

You know that one smug sod that tells you that you can fix all your problems by simply turning off all of your feels? It's oh so useful when someone reminds me that the only thing standing in the way between my problems and I is by coming to enlightenment by relaxing with my good buddy vodka. Mind-blowing.




"Practise makes perfect"

Oh is that so? With that in mind please enlighten me as to why everytime I practise ironing shirts I get more creases than to begin with, eh? If you've got to keep practising something chances are you're doing it wrong in the first place. Therefore if you keep practising it wrong then alas, you just get worse.




"If one door closes, another door will open"

Yes but that is also called trespassing which 1.) is most definitely illegal and 2.) will most likely result in you getting arrested. Not wise advice to pass onto a burglar.




"Rome wasn't built in a day"

I'm not so sure that this is all that comforting considering it actually took bloody years to construct the city of Rome. Comparing your quest of finally landing that dream job to the expedition of building Ancient Rome is more traumatising than encouraging.




"Don't live in your past, live in the imagination of now"

Not wise advice for someone who has what one would call a "vivid imagination". It's best not to act out the vision you have of eradicating your neighbour's dog with an explosive ball next time his wining bark wakes you up at 6am.




"Don't sweat the small stuff!"

Ooooh of course, that's where I've been going wrong my entire life! If only, amongst the most horrific pickles I've encountered throughout my life I had only been told not to sweat the small stuff, the golden gates of clarity would of shone down with pure ecstasy. Genius.



"Everything happens for a reason"

Remind me to say this to myself when I face plant the pavement in-front of my boss and simultaneously crack the screen of my iPhone. "It's all good because everything happens for a reason!" And that very reason is that the world is a cold unfeeling place that gets its kicks by ruining your life. A notion that is consistently regaled every-time something unfortunate takes a giant crap on your life. Not everything that lands onto your plate of life is there to teach you a lesson of wisdom in some profound silver lining; sometimes shit just happens.




"If you're nervous then simply imagine the audience in their underwear."

Yeah not helpful if you're a guy with a wayward schlong where half the audience are smokin' hot girls. Now you'll just be a nervous guy with a massive boner. Something else to bloody worry about now.




"Just be yourself"

Risky. Verrrrrry risky. At best people can be charming, fairly detail orientated and generous. When the guards fall down out come the judgemental, obsessive unforgiving assholes. Being yourself only works if you're a natural-born mother Theresa.




"Enjoy school - it'll end up being the best years of your life!"

Unless you were blessed with an effortlessly beautiful tough skin and found your peak at the mere age of 12, school is nothing but a maze of awkward encounters and shifting social dead-ends. The hellish mix of trying to master the art of putting on a bra, staying on top of current social trends (shag-bands anyone?) as well as trying to impishly flirt across the room at the school disco makes for one rollercoaster ride of raging hormones, mood swings and embarrassment. So delightfully memorable.




Love, Sarah

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